1,591 Miles of Route 95

We’ll I’m finally here, in my new home state of Florida…such as it is. My place won’t be ready to move into for a couple more days so I'm in hotels for a while longer. To bring you up to speed, here are the highlights of my mainly uneventful trip.

Crickets- I was in North Carolina getting petrol. Essentially standing in the middle of field. Well, to me a field, to locals a hot bed of activity with a café and petrol station all in one (you say tomato…I say field). But I digress, you know how at night in the summer in the Northeast you can hear lots of crickets? Yeah, well this was the middle of the day and there were so many crickets chirping it was amazing. The air was thick with it, like one long drawn out unending buzz. If crickets there ever turn against us, it’s all over. We’ll have to abandon NC and cordon it off!

Fireworks & Porn- I’ve often wondered what exactly people do with their spare time in rural areas. Now I know. There are firework Mega-Shops every x number of miles all throughout the south, also a sprinkling of adult themed Mega-Shops’s (including Café Risque…”Coffee? And how would Sir like his porn served?”) Now I know what they do, I wonder how busy the ER’s are.

Roadkill- to be expected but it seems cruel that there was roadkill outside a Nature Wildlife Reserve. He nearly made it.  So close and yet so far...

Looking for a place to stay- There’s a place called "Plantation Inn". Do I have to pick cotton to pay my bill, clean my own room as well as the owners, cook my own food and eat it in the kitchen? I'm just asking.

Speeding- I realize if I speed I’m technically breaking the law. I also realize it’s calculated risk. But I think if I am going to speed (responsibly), I ought to have a 50/50 chance of getting away with it. I’m okay with unmarked cruisers…crown vics, intrepids and the like, fine. But unmarked pick up trucks and mustangs?! COME ON! It’s not Vegas, the house doesn’t always win.  Sometimes, I wanna win! Also, Jacks’s cop card…not as influential as I had hoped… apparently, it being in my possession doesn’t constitute a “legitimate document” allowing me to speed in the state of New York. [*Sigh*]

Female Bits on a Sign Post- So I’m driving (not even speeding) and I pass a sign for Choosawatchie. I have no idea why at the time it was so funny but something struck me and I was laughing hysterically.  At no point in my life have I ever heard female genitalia referred to as “watchie” but something in my head made me think it was a fitting slang term and so Choosawatchie was immediately laugh out loud funny. Honestly if the town had been called Kissawatchie I think I would have accidentally driven off the road in a fit of laughter. You probably had to be there but it still makes me giggle. (Side note from different road trip: It’s about as funny as the place in New Jersey, Kim and I discovered earlier this year called “Dyke Lumber” and I immediately created a helpful tag line: “Dyke Lumber: Helping beavers build better homes.” No one from their corporate office has returned my calls about this marketing opportunity as yet.)

Jax~In~Da~Hood- Leaving my new office/warehouse this morning and navigating to my hotel I missed a turn and was thus able to take a tour through the ‘hood. Not on the scheduled time table but who can resist? There are a plethora of billboards advertising bail bonds.  Good stuff. But this is what got my attention. A massive bill board flogging “Kyle’s Kwik Bail Bonding, Inc” with what I can only assume is an over sized image of a smiling Kyle himself and the tag line “There’s no reason to worry, Kyle’ll have you out in hurry!” Torn between laughter and nervousness, I noticed the crown jewel in the corner of the bill board… “NEW LOCATION!!!” Business must be booming. I proceeded to exit the area will all possible haste…but I’m still kinda laughing about it.

Insect Massacre- I am happy to report that during this most recent road trip I appear to have killed an unprecedented number of bugs…fewer to bite me on the ass later. Excellent!