I've never quite worked out why soccer is called soccer here. Whenever I start talking about football, most people stop me and say "you mean soccer?" No, I mean football. Round ball kicked about with the feet. You've got all these leagues but the names don't reflect the actual activities going on. Whenever I talk to the son of a friend of mine about sports, I tease him about petitioning to have all the leagues renamed. I'm not quite sure if he's worked out that I'm kidding yet as he seemed genuinely concerned after I mentioned it to him the first time but I thought I'd outline my cunning plan for all to admire.
MLS - Major League Soccer? No. Football? Yes. Ball spending most of its time connecting with foot. But you can't call it MLF (Major League Football) because that's a typo away from being MILF and that would just cause confusion with people trying to understand the already overly complex viewers guide on the television. Plus, Hugh Hefner and the other lads would be tuning in and wondering where the naked ladies are. On the other hand, may be a Playboy sponsorship is what the US league really needs to (warning: imminent pun) get kick started. Import a few more Beckham's and the ladies will be happy spectators too. So with MLF off the table, MLS will be converted to the new National Football League (NFL) sans commercial interruptions!
We can’t have two NFL’s so naturally the old American styled NFL will need to be re-marketed as the NHL (National Handball League) as it is, after all, mostly about running around with a ball in your hand or catching a ball.
Those poor hockey folks are next in line for an accuracy update and while there is a fair amount of actually hockey being played, there seems to be inordinate amounts of fighting going on. I mean, seriously, they have a box to put you in if you beat up too many people. Sounds like the Ultimate Fighting Championship to me. Get out of the box, have some fisticuffs. Oh, and here’s a stick to help you with that pesky puck which periodically gets in the way! So the hockey lads will revel under their new moniker of UFC…
...while the actual half naked fighters of the old UFC are handing out plain old fashioned beat downs with elbows, knees, knuckles, feet and blood (it can be a weapon!) we may as well pay them tribute by revamping the largest growing sport under the banner of the NBA (National Beatdown Association).
Bringing us to the current league with the largest group of shockingly tall individuals ever assembled, the National Basketball Association. Well let’s face it, when was the last time you saw an actual basket used? It’s a steel rim, a hoop if you will, thus the colloquialism ‘hoops’. National Hoopball Association it is! Congrats, lads, you’ve just been inducted into the NHA!
Which leaves us with one final sport: the sad and lonely national past time of the good ol’ US of A. Baseball. Major League Baseball…yeah, I guess we won’t need to change that one. ::yawn:: Which is fine as I’m not overly enthused about re-christening a sport that can put you to sleep. I’m more excited by the prospect of a league for full contact chess in the future.
Must dash, have to send a quick memo to ESPN about their programming updates.
