Boarding and TSA Security

I've been spending quite a bit of extra time in airports recently. Yesterday, bad. Arrive airport 3pm, depart airport 11pm... yeah. Long time. Having finally come through my door at 2:25am this morning and needing leave now to go pick my boss up, I leave you with these thoughts. Please take notes and pass them along to other people you know who are traveling, maybe then one day we'll all get on a plane more quickly. Maybe...

Why can't people board airplanes in an orderly fashion? It doesn't matter what order you tell us all to get on in, there's still going to 50% of the people repacking in the aisle to slow everything down. Stand aside! There is absolutely no need to adjust yourself and all your worldly possessions whilst standing in the middle of an aisle. Same goes for airport security. You're in a line, there are signs every three feet telling you to remove your laptop from your bag, people with TSA uniforms are repeating "take your shoes and belts off, remove your cell phones, check your pockets" every ten seconds. Why, WHY, must you wait until its your turn to go through security to do all these things and thus slow us all down? You've just spent the last fifteen minutes either standing in line with a bored look on your face or complaining about how long it's taking. THIS IS WHY! Everyone else is just like you!

You're standing there doing nothing while you wait; get yourself organized for God's sake. The procedure isn't going to miraculously change before you get to the front of the queue. There, you can keep your nail clippers, happy? Now take your shoes off!

And children [*audible sigh*]. They have nothing to speak of that will set off metal detectors. No jewelry, cell phones, laptops, belts, steel toed shoes, maybe a game boy, maybe. Put the game boy in the Sponge Bob back pack, place on x-ray machine, end of story. NO! This class of air traveler which should be quickest are in fact the slowest because they don't listen. They're strangling themselves with the straps of their back packs, kicking their shoes off in all directions, running to go fetch far flung shoes, taking off their coats off in reverse, all while trying to keep poking their sibling to retain a semblance of familial annoyance. New plan: allow child to keep game boy, Sponge Bob back pack, coat, shoes and finger in sibling's ear. Pick child up, put child on x-ray machine. *Ding!* Security cleared, new land speed record set. If they can survive all the x-rays for baseball, football, bicycles and general running/tripping/falling/climbing accidents, I'm sure a few seconds twice a year when you go to visit the grandparents out of state won't adversely affect them. They're young, they'll bounce right back.

Check In

Originally posted 22.August.2006

I have this tendency to get stuck behind odd people in queues at the airport. Frankly its annoying because no matter where I choose to stand it ends up being the place with the person hidden a few people ahead who is just mere minutes away from bringing everything to a screeching halt. Its always the loon who cant see the objection to packing fireworks in his luggage or has trouble understanding why an antique machete poses a security risk. I once missed a flight out of Ohio because an individual with a license to carry a concealed weapon forgot to pack it in his checked luggage and when an automatic hand gun goes through an airport x-ray machine, bad things happen. Everything shuts down. Literally, the metal gates were dropped from the ceiling and that was that, I stood there with several others on my flight for the next 30 minutes until our flight left, at which point they felt it safe for us to go through to the departure gate.

If its not a complete pratt like that then its the person whose been standing in line to check in for 10 minutes and finally gets up to the counter and cant find their photo ID or reservations and have to search every pocket in every article clothing and every bag before proclaiming that it was in their coat pocket the whole time.

So today I was waiting to check in at e-ticket counter at Logan. I'm stressed out. If you've ever used Logan International Airport on a regular basis you understand why I'm stressed out. The airline's on-line check in hadn't apparently been working all morning so there's a medium sized army of us waiting to use the e-ticket self check in machines. An over crowded check in area at an airport, two weeks after an upgrade in airport security levels, is not the time to show your 6 year old how to use the e-ticket self check in machine. I mean I applaud the initiative, I really do but there's a 3 mile line behind you of people waiting to check in. I, myself, am slowly turning into a ball of rage Incredible Hulk style. Have you no sense of the urgency which is almost visibly pulsing through those of us surrounding you as we look at our watches every 26 seconds and each time mentally recalculate how much time is left to get to our gate?

So I applaud you for the right idea but this is the wrong time. Now, even though, I think you're swell progressive parents and all, I'm deriving twisted pleasure from thinking that at least when your child decides to runaway from home for the first time at the age of 10, she'll get considerably further than the postbox at the end of the road. AND, if shes stumbled across any of my blogs shell probably even be able to clear security in a quick, no nonsense fashion, and be through it before you can reach her.