Deja Vu

Television rots your brain.  Or so I've been told. Given the sheer volume of rubbish on television these days, it's not hard to believe. Outside of sporting events which make up a substantial portion of my viewing, there's not much else to choose from. When everyone is apparently religiously watching Jersey Shore and America's Next Top Model, it makes it quite easy to imagine tossing my television and aborting the monthly cable bill.

For my personal viewing, besides Fox Football ("Do you mean soccer?" - click for more details) Channel, I used to turn to BBC America. It was my 'happy place' amid the pain and misery of US television programming. I could get news (proper current events, not local school children constructing the largest noodle craft project ever unveiled), sitcoms (that actually made you laugh) and drama (that wasn't predictable). You've got to give credit where it's due, we do know how to write interesting television in the UK. Lately however, the selection on the BBC America has become tenuous. It seems whenever I do have some time to actually watch television, and switch to my trusty BBC America I'm greeted by Star Trek: The Next Generation. What? That's not a British show. Not even a little. One English actor does not a British show make. Cough up the cash BBC America and pay for some more programming.

The only thing more worrisome than the appearance of American shows on BBC America is the sheer lack of imagination in actual American programming. It seems many of the shows which are having (or have had) enormous success are remakes of UK shows, re-casted with American actors (language barrier?) - Sanford & Son (Steptoe & Son), All in the Family ('Til Death Do Us Part), Football Wives (Footballers' Wives), Skins, Shameless, Coupling, The IT Crowd, The Office, Queer as Folk, and most recently Being Human. In the case of reality shows, they get shifted over the pond with a ready made charismatic/villainous host (Simon Cowell, Ann Robinson, Piers Morgan) - The Weakest Link, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, American Idol (Pop Idol), America's Got Talent (Britain's Got Talent), Cash in the Attic, Trading Spaces (Changing Rooms), What Not to Wear, Undercover Boss, Super Nanny and now Top Gear.

Top Gear, at least, makes sense. It's immensely popular and there is a different market of cars in the US with it's own group of enthusiasts who would love a Top Gear aimed at the vehicles available here. Unfortunately, the US version lacks the exact ingredient which has made the UK version such a smash success: personality. I can count the number of things I know about cars on one hand. I'm not an enthusiast by any stretch of the imagination and I know nothing about engines (outside of the fact that I need one to go). And yet, I love Top Gear. Why? Because it's entertaining. Unlike the US version which is decidedly not.

It would be nice, if the US networks would hire a few more imaginative people and come up with some of their own rock solid entertaining shows. It can be done but someone out there is going to have to work on getting some television execs who aren't monkeys jumping to copy the first entertaining thing they see. A few less Jersey Shore's, a few more House/Lie to Me/Law & Order's would be a treat.

Without that, it's only a matter of time until some dull witted TV exec sees Star Trek: The Next Generation on BBC America and pitches it to his network as a brand new show....

"I just saw it on BBC America," he says. "It's a show about humans traveling space, the final frontier if you will. Exploring the outer reaches and interacting with aliens. They call it Star Trek. We'll call ours...um, Planet Exploration?...No...Space Expedition?....No.... Solar Journey? No, wait, wait, I've got it... we'll call it Star Trek!"

"That's where you started, sir."

"Oh, well, we'll sort out the name later. Right, what we need is a bald actor, go find me one! Is Michael Chiklis free?"

It will be half way through its first season before someone at the network notices the show seems somewhat familiar....

"Hey, who bought the rights to make this new show?" Scratches head, "Don't we already own this?"

The most expensive FYI ever...

Opening the mail tonight, I discovered a letter from the US Census Bureau. Short and concise, it contained exactly six sentences between the opening salutation and closing signature.

The letter can be paraphrased as follows:
1. Hi.
2. In about a week, you're going to receive a census packet.
3. It is very important you complete it and return it to us.
4. The Census results are used to determine how funds are allocated for roads, schools, health care and other important programs in different areas.
5. If you do not return it, the results will not be accurate and your community may not receive its fair share of funds.
6. Thanks.

If there are roughly 114,000,000 households in America and assuming each gets a letter, the federal government just spent $50,000,000 on postage. $50,000,000....to tell us we'll be getting another letter in a week. Fifty. Million. Dollars. For what amounts to an FYI.

There is no chance I suppose that you could have put this single sheet of paper, explaining the importance of the census, in with the packet you're sending me next week?

Points 1 and 6 would already be typed. Point 2 would become redundant and not need to be typed. So really, you just need to add points 3, 4 and 5 to next week's packet in big, bold, underlined letters. Any chance? No? Well done. If my expense reports looked like that, I'd be unemployed.

The Grinch Who Stole Facebook...

I like to think that I'm convivial creature. I enjoy socializing. I'm quite happy to network. One would think this would be naturally conducive to regular use of social networking sites. And yet, for some reason, that is not the case. At least, not anymore. "Out of the loop?", someone asked the other day. Can't even see the loop from here, mate. Not entirely sure I want to be in the loop anymore for that matter.

The loop used to consist of written letters. With the advent of the internet, it became letters and photos emailed back and forth in lightning quick fashion. Gradually it morphed into online profiles with images posted in batches and short comments left here and there for all to see. I was content with all of those things. The loop now consists of my having to let you know my every movement six times a day in short one line bursts with mobile uploads of pictures where I am at the this very moment. In exchange, you haven't got to say anything - you can just give me a digital thumbs up. "Friend likes this!".

It is entirely possibly that lengthy conversations might have taken place online but that was back in the dark ages of social networking, before you had to spend time pretending to farm, clean a fish tank, pass drinks and form alliances in hopes of surviving the ongoing mafia war.

Instant messaging and mobile texting have vanquished the art of letter writing. And now, online applications have killed the art of coherent conversation reducing communication to the equivalent of a cyber grunt in the general direction of people you know (or don't know for that matter).

As if that weren't bad enough. You want me to spend time pretending to farm, clean a fish tank, pass drinks and form alliances in hopes of surviving the ongoing mafia war. And I'd rather not. I have 300 requests to spend time pretending to farm, clean a fish tank, pass drinks and form alliances in hopes of surviving the ongoing mafia war but I've ignored them all. What the online application hasn't killed though is your determination and persistence. For every request to spend time pretending to farm, clean a fish tank, pass drinks and form alliances in hopes of surviving the ongoing mafia war that I ignore, another pops up to take its place. Kudos to you!

In a desperate attempt to salvage some humanity, I went to your profile to see what you were up to and what your interests were or where you'd been. But alas, I couldn't find any helpful information as it was lost beneath a haze of farms, fish tanks, gifts and quizzes about which sitcom character you're most like. So I gave up. And I left Facebook. And I was content for a while.

But then I realized I was beginning to miss vital information. My incoming emails seems on the light side. Someone asked me why I wasn't at such and such. Hang on, did you send an invitation? Do you have my current address? Was there an email I missed somewhere? I distinctly do not remember a voice mail of any kind. "No, no," they said, "there was a message. On facebook."

So, after a six month or more sabbatical, I've come back to the new loop such as it is, albeit grudgingly. I will log in to facebook on a regular basis. I will catch up and be 'in the loop'. What I won't do is spend time pretending to farm, clean a fish tank, pass drinks and form alliances in hopes of surviving the ongoing mafia war. Life has enough drama without my waging fictitious wars with people I actually like. If I want fish, I'll set up shop with an aquarium in the living room. And if I'm going to have drinks given to me, I must insist that they come from a three dimensional person standing in roughly the same vicinity as me so that there is an actual possibility that I might be allowed to indulge in them.

I still won't farm though. In any capacity. Ever.

Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc

I-Tunes: Disc burner or software missing...
Me: It's there, the same place its been the last 1,200 times you've burned something. There! In that folder between the programme files and drivers!


Before annoying I-Tunes error:



After annoying I-Tunes error:



Final stages of 'trouble shooting' completed:




I am now well hacked off and I'm going to bed. If ANYONE has heard of a way to fix the I-Tunes error that causes the message "Disc burner or software not found" on I-Tunes as well as the insanely annoying inability to suddenly burn ANYTHING, please let me know. Even Apple's tech support forum doesn't seem to have the answer.

If not, I'd appreciate someone lending me a blow torch so I can get some enjoyment out of my laptop...

With Regards to the Neighbours

You're a stay at home Mum. That's great, an admirable profession. What you're not is in the military. So, explain if you would please, why you feel it's necessary to drive a Hummer? A huge, honkin' H3 Hummer? 

The reason I ask is that while you may not have noticed, what with your busy schedule and chasing kiddies around the house and such, it's become quite evident to me that you're actually not invading a small country. You're just dropping your daughter off at figure skating practice and buying groceries. Would that assessment be accurate? That's a 'no' on invasion, then?

A Short and Fairly Concise Rant

I just can't take it anymore. I have to say this before I spontaneously combust in public. I'm standing in line for my lunch Friday, watching everyone else for lack of anything better to do until it's my turn to order, when I spot another bloke wearing a stupid bluetooth earpiece whilst not having a conversation. I say 'another' because they're everywhere. I want to walk up to them one by one and tap them on the shoulder: "Pardon me, you do know you look like a complete prat walking around like that, right?"

I mean it's one thing if you're actually using the thing and having a phone conversation. It's another if you're talking to someone who's standing in front of you or just walking around wearing it IN CASE your phone happens to ring. If you're in an office on the phone all day using it, okay. But take it off when you're not working. I just can't stand it. It's akin to wearing a condom round all day just IN CASE you happen to meet someone you end up shagging.

It's alright to leave the condom in your pocket until the moment you need it. It is also perfectly acceptable to leave the bluetooth earpiece in your pocket UNTIL the phone rings, you pretentious bastard. Just because it doesn't have a wire attaching it to phone doesn't mean you don't look like some ridiculous Star Trek borg-defect wandering around blockbuster.

I'd rather be decapitated.

There can be no doubt that one of the most painful things that can happen to you as a human being is to have an eye lash in your eye. This ranks ahead of paper cuts in my book.

Mock me if you will but just you wait until there's one in your eye which has fallen in at an odd angle resulting in repeated sharp stabbing motions into your cornea. I may start carrying around a box of eye lashes as a weapon (plain eyelashes = stun; mascaraed eyelashes = kill) and if anybody gets in my face I can whip 'em out, blow them into their eyes, hoping to land several and thereby rendering them immobile so I can start kicking them... or running away as they case may be. 

It hurts, that's all I'm sayin'.

Thank You Note

Dear Dave,
You're a c*ck sucker. I hate you. Best wishes for a speedy demise.
Sincerely,
SP
________________________________________________________

After numerous queries as to Dave's crime, the following elaboration has been offered.

I put in a request to have my clothes dryer repaired at the end of December.  Dave is the d*****bag who was supposed to fix my dryer on the 2nd January. And the 6th January. And the 11th January. Have I mentioned the 16th January yet? No, I must have overlooked it as I was, oh so, excited to hear that he'd fix it by the 20th January. This is the same Dave the d*****bag who rumour had it would definitely fix my dryer on the 21st. 

The Management office had a good feeling about the 23rd, apparently on that day Dave's chakras were supposed to align so he'd be able to DO HIS JOB. On the 27th, they promised he'd be here on Monday the 30th. 

On Tuesday, I had to use my angry voice from work and my colleague very nearly had to take the phone away from me. Today, which I might add is now February, I called FOUR times from work. By some miracle that shall never be repeated in my lifetime, DAVE managed to SQUEEZE my dryer into his busy schedule. 

He left me a note, saying he'd fixed it. I thought I should send him a thank you card. I hate you Dave. I hope you fall into a ditch. Failing that I hope a bird pecks your eye out.

Do Over!

The year thus far has been filled with aggravation and sleep deprivation. I've barely slept the last two nights due to a combination of delayed flights and unwanted drama. Therefore, I am taking the following actions to ensure I don't write off 2006 immediately.

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life...its also 1st January as far as I'm concerned. I'm voiding the last three days. Hence tomorrow, to the rest of the world, will be 5th January but for me it will be 1st of January. Tonight, I am going to leave work on time, and go straight to bed to catch up on sleep. When I wake up...it will be a new year.

I'm sure this transition will accomplish the mental state I require to move forward in life and ask you all to bear in mind when we make plans that I'm now on a different calender (just like the Chinese). 28th February to you, will be 24th February to me. I apologize for the inconvenience of you're having to manage dual calenders but appreciate your dedication to our friendship.

In fact to add some spice, and in keeping with the Chinese, I may change my year also. 2005, for example, will be referred to as "Year of the University Degree"; 2004, "Year of the Hospital"....2006 of course will be "Year of the Do-Over". Happy New Year!

Just Don't Do It.

For the love of Pete, don't put a spoiler on a VW beetle, a pick up truck or one of the those new fangled trying-to-be-trendy mini vans.... because you look ridiculous! If you want a sporty looking car....BUY a sporty looking car....you crazy spoiler people are about to join the ranks of PT Cruiser owners and honestly now, you just don't wanna keep company like that!

And another thing....

don't ride around with so much crap in the back window of your car that you can't see me waving my arms and making angry faces at you. Also, it's not safe for things like, oh I don't know, reversing?

Besides the beanie baby phenomenon is finally over, leave your stuffed animals at home. If you need that much companionship in order to venture out you should probably just stay in.