Dem bones, dem bones

It's the holidays. Well it's not now but it was. And in America that means chockablock airports.

The trouble with airports, busy ones in particular, is you have no control over how other people behave. The sheer effort expent trying not scream at people who are, let's face it, holding things up with stupidity that borders on the criminal has at one time or another left me visibly shaking and moments away from what I'm certain is spontaneous combustion.

It's bad enough when you're trapped and watching the idiocy unfold before you while you check your watch every ten seconds and wonder if you'll make it through security before your flight leaves. But when passengers willfully slow things down? Criminal, surely?

And right around the time of the holidays some absolute nutters, in the name of civil liberties, decide it would be the perfect opportunity to boycott the airport x-ray machines. Sigh... does anyone think these things through before opening their mouths to protest? It's really not an infringement of your rights, people. It's an x-ray. However good or bad you think you look, the bored, exhausted and indifferent TSA agent probably couldn't care less how you appear in x-ray format. If they're taking nude photos of passengers and asking you to pose or look over your shoulder and pout then I can see your point. In actual fact, they're looking at what is for the most part a bundle of bones. Have people seen what an x-ray actually looks like? I mean, you do know you like like an idiot if you think some desperate TSA agent is going to be getting excited looking at an x-ray of you, right? I'm not an expert but I feel good about my chances regarding the accuracy of the following assertion: if the TSA agent is that desperate for excitement I'm pretty sure he (or she) is just going to go home and look at porn.

While I'm not at all one of these folks who wants to sign away my civil liberties for the sake of safety, an x-ray really isn't all that intrusive. What's next, boycotting of CAT scan's and MRI's for fear hospital technicians are getting hot and bothered looking at your irradiated bits and pieces? Try to keep it in perspective.

And here's the thing, x-ray: 10 seconds, full body pat down 4 minutes. 100 passengers body scanned, approximately 16 minutes. 100 passengers patted down, approximately 6 hours. Now, how do you feel about having to be at the airport 2 hours before your flight? How do you feel about having to be at the airport 6 hours before your flight? Stop being an idiot and go through the stupid x-ray. "Oh, but they can see my contours!" Yes, and I'm sure that makes all the difference between an x-ray being of interest or not to a TSA agent. And after 8 hours of looking at x-rays on the job, who the hell wants to look at more that might or might not be possibly stored on a TSA hard drive somewhere?

It's far more invasive to have someone's hands all over you, I'm sure. And you really can't be one of these people who thinks you can say no to everything.

X-ray?
No.
Pat down?
No.
You have to have something done.
I'd really rather just go straight to my gate.
Oh. Ok...uh, never mind then. Have a nice day.

**LOUD BUZZER**

Nil points! It doesn't work that way. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. I've tried, it's not allowed. You can have your peanuts and eat them too but since you only about 14 per flight, it hardly counts and you'll be hungry later.

So for the sake of everyone's sanity, just shut up, if selected go through the x-ray (that's right, it isn't even a guarantee you'll have to have one!) and get on the plane so you can go home and annoy your family instead of me.

In that spirit, I leave you with these very sexy TSA x-rays which I think, we can all agree, probably don't look anything like you when you go through the scanner. Unless you're wearing stilettos and get very creative when told to stay still for 10 seconds. Enjoy!

TSA Calendar

Miss January

Miss February

Miss March

Miss April

Miss May

Miss June

Miss July

Miss August

Miss September

Miss October

Miss November

Miss December

According to Gadling.com, these images were created by a German agency for a Japanese computer display company called EIZO, and apparently they are actually just very good CGI and have nothing to do with the TSA.

Reformed Demon

At some point in our lives, we all need to slow down. In some cases, it's age, over work or burnout. In my case, I was told to. By the police. Repeatedly.

To be fair, I wasn't keen on heeding their 'advice' so we bumped into each other fairly often. But it was not their grim demeanor or arsenal of hand guns and tasers that made me see the light. No, what finally convinced me that a lifestyle change might be in order was the daunting prospect of a car insurance payment that had ballooned to the size of what I was sure would match a small home mortgage payment.

I have, since my 'rehab' almost six years ago, become a mainstay of a group of drivers who travel just over the limit but never to exceed by more than 8 mph lest we trigger some sort of alarm. I have committed to the actual use of cruise control which heretofore had been the equivalent of self destruct button in the car - DO NOT PUSH! I have forfeited driving red coupes and grimaced as my five speed transmission begs to be toyed with on deserted roads. All done to keep me on the wagon as it were. What I haven't been able to shake in six slooooow years though is my speeder's guilt.

Traveling down any given road, the sight of a police vehicle by the road side triggers an involuntary response whereby I immediately slam on the brakes and then, panic stricken, look down only to discover I was actually already traveling at the speed limit. The down side to this sort of behaviour though is the three car pile up I cause on the road behind me. I'm aware of it, I'm working on it. But I still have a guilty conscience apparently. So consider this a friendly suggestion - don't tail gate in my vicinity.

1,591 Miles of Route 95

We’ll I’m finally here, in my new home state of Florida…such as it is. My place won’t be ready to move into for a couple more days so I'm in hotels for a while longer. To bring you up to speed, here are the highlights of my mainly uneventful trip.

Crickets- I was in North Carolina getting petrol. Essentially standing in the middle of field. Well, to me a field, to locals a hot bed of activity with a café and petrol station all in one (you say tomato…I say field). But I digress, you know how at night in the summer in the Northeast you can hear lots of crickets? Yeah, well this was the middle of the day and there were so many crickets chirping it was amazing. The air was thick with it, like one long drawn out unending buzz. If crickets there ever turn against us, it’s all over. We’ll have to abandon NC and cordon it off!

Fireworks & Porn- I’ve often wondered what exactly people do with their spare time in rural areas. Now I know. There are firework Mega-Shops every x number of miles all throughout the south, also a sprinkling of adult themed Mega-Shops’s (including Café Risque…”Coffee? And how would Sir like his porn served?”) Now I know what they do, I wonder how busy the ER’s are.

Roadkill- to be expected but it seems cruel that there was roadkill outside a Nature Wildlife Reserve. He nearly made it.  So close and yet so far...

Looking for a place to stay- There’s a place called "Plantation Inn". Do I have to pick cotton to pay my bill, clean my own room as well as the owners, cook my own food and eat it in the kitchen? I'm just asking.

Speeding- I realize if I speed I’m technically breaking the law. I also realize it’s calculated risk. But I think if I am going to speed (responsibly), I ought to have a 50/50 chance of getting away with it. I’m okay with unmarked cruisers…crown vics, intrepids and the like, fine. But unmarked pick up trucks and mustangs?! COME ON! It’s not Vegas, the house doesn’t always win.  Sometimes, I wanna win! Also, Jacks’s cop card…not as influential as I had hoped… apparently, it being in my possession doesn’t constitute a “legitimate document” allowing me to speed in the state of New York. [*Sigh*]

Female Bits on a Sign Post- So I’m driving (not even speeding) and I pass a sign for Choosawatchie. I have no idea why at the time it was so funny but something struck me and I was laughing hysterically.  At no point in my life have I ever heard female genitalia referred to as “watchie” but something in my head made me think it was a fitting slang term and so Choosawatchie was immediately laugh out loud funny. Honestly if the town had been called Kissawatchie I think I would have accidentally driven off the road in a fit of laughter. You probably had to be there but it still makes me giggle. (Side note from different road trip: It’s about as funny as the place in New Jersey, Kim and I discovered earlier this year called “Dyke Lumber” and I immediately created a helpful tag line: “Dyke Lumber: Helping beavers build better homes.” No one from their corporate office has returned my calls about this marketing opportunity as yet.)

Jax~In~Da~Hood- Leaving my new office/warehouse this morning and navigating to my hotel I missed a turn and was thus able to take a tour through the ‘hood. Not on the scheduled time table but who can resist? There are a plethora of billboards advertising bail bonds.  Good stuff. But this is what got my attention. A massive bill board flogging “Kyle’s Kwik Bail Bonding, Inc” with what I can only assume is an over sized image of a smiling Kyle himself and the tag line “There’s no reason to worry, Kyle’ll have you out in hurry!” Torn between laughter and nervousness, I noticed the crown jewel in the corner of the bill board… “NEW LOCATION!!!” Business must be booming. I proceeded to exit the area will all possible haste…but I’m still kinda laughing about it.

Insect Massacre- I am happy to report that during this most recent road trip I appear to have killed an unprecedented number of bugs…fewer to bite me on the ass later. Excellent!