Clean Up in Aisle Four!

Originally posted 22.January.2007

Collecting my mail this evening I noted a new sign tacked on the community board. "S & M Cleaning" it said. Despite an initial outburst of laughter, I composed myself and looked at it more closely and they're serious. That's the name they have apparently chosen to go by. So two options then:

Option 1:

S&M really can get so messy that you need to bring in cleaners post copulation and apparently these specially trained cleaners know the secret to removing blood and other questionable fluids from fabric and such. Where were they when Monica Lewinsky had that frightful stain on her dress? If such a thing exists, it is further evidence that S&M isn't for me... I hate a messy house.

Option 2:

And regrettably the more likely scenario, some newly arrived entrepreneur still not all that familiar with the language upon opening his 1^st business has yet to realize that if his name starts with 'S' and his partner's starts with 'M', they may not want to refer to themselves as "S&M Cleaning"...for no other reason that even the amused and satisfied customer will stop using them when it occurs to them that some desk jockey at the bank is updating their account and commenting to their co-workers and friends about the crazy customer who has to pay specialized S&M cleaners to come in once a week like clock work.

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Follow up from friends suggestion other potential alternatives (thanks guys)...

MB offers: Here's how it works.
The cleaners come in dressed in black leather, and fit you with a ball gag. Then, they proceed to clean your house and tell you what a dirty pig you are. Sounds like a business that would do well in D.C.

BG offers: Imagine being this newly arrived entrepreneur, and showing up at homes where the lady or man of the house opens the door... already dressed in leather, a ball gag, mask, and holding a dildo/whip.

From around the ball gag, the "host" manages to convey the words "please come in..." and our entrepreneur is just standing there on the threshold...

I'd rather be decapitated.

There can be no doubt that one of the most painful things that can happen to you as a human being is to have an eye lash in your eye. This ranks ahead of paper cuts in my book.

Mock me if you will but just you wait until there's one in your eye which has fallen in at an odd angle resulting in repeated sharp stabbing motions into your cornea. I may start carrying around a box of eye lashes as a weapon (plain eyelashes = stun; mascaraed eyelashes = kill) and if anybody gets in my face I can whip 'em out, blow them into their eyes, hoping to land several and thereby rendering them immobile so I can start kicking them... or running away as they case may be. 

It hurts, that's all I'm sayin'.

The Importance of Being a Tastebud

Originally posted 3.January.2007

If you're sick in a coughy-heady-coldy-flu type of way and as such unable to taste anything but nonetheless feel the need to eat fruit, avoid bananas. When you can't taste anything at all, you realise that banana texture is actually rather unpleasant and by its very nature becomes a disconcerting sort of thing to eat.