The War at Home

At precisely 8:48pm last night, an explosion rocked Pinellas county. The reverberations reached me all the way in my living room, shaking me to the core. Under normal circumstances, I would have been both astonished and horrified at the prospect of the blast originating in my own kitchen but my brother is staying with me so I wasn't quite as surprised as one might think.

"What," I cried, "in the hell was that?"

"Nothing," called back the voice in the kitchen.

'Nothing,' as it turns out, was actually an egg. A hard boiled egg to be exact, which having resided in the refrigerator until short moments before the incident, was being heated for the purposes of a quick nibbly.

My brother, it should be pointed out, is not a complete idiot. The egg heating began with 20 seconds in the microwave. I mean, how many seconds could it possibly take to heat a single cold hard boiled egg sans shell? I think 20 seconds was an alright start to be honest. Where the wheels fell off though, is when he discovered that 20 seconds did not, in fact, a warm egg make.

Enter a mild case of idiocy: rather than try half that again, he re-programmed the lone egg for another full dose and then some, 25 additional seconds. At no point did it enter his mind what might happen to a single egg micro-waved for a 45 full seconds on high.

To be fair, I hadn't exactly considered the ramifications of exploding eggs in much depth either, but then I wasn't the one programming the microwave. Fast forward.

BANG!

"What," I cried, "in the hell was that?"

"Nothing," called back the voice in the kitchen.

"That did not sound like nothing," I answered.

"Er, it was, ah, an egg…" came the trailing answer.

I ventured over to the kitchen, pleasantly surprised to note that the impact hadn't knocked frames off the wall or caused systematic damage throughout the entire area. It did, however, break plastic Tupperware with what I can only describe as 'considerable force.'

The heart of every funny story contains some element of exaggeration. The exploding egg and the Tupperware wreckage are a true story with very little exaggeration.

It would appear that the weapons of mass destruction have been hiding in my fridge this whole time.

A single egg and Tupperware lid were inadvertently harmed in the making of this blog.

A Short and Fairly Concise Rant

I just can't take it anymore. I have to say this before I spontaneously combust in public. I'm standing in line for my lunch Friday, watching everyone else for lack of anything better to do until it's my turn to order, when I spot another bloke wearing a stupid bluetooth earpiece whilst not having a conversation. I say 'another' because they're everywhere. I want to walk up to them one by one and tap them on the shoulder: "Pardon me, you do know you look like a complete prat walking around like that, right?"

I mean it's one thing if you're actually using the thing and having a phone conversation. It's another if you're talking to someone who's standing in front of you or just walking around wearing it IN CASE your phone happens to ring. If you're in an office on the phone all day using it, okay. But take it off when you're not working. I just can't stand it. It's akin to wearing a condom round all day just IN CASE you happen to meet someone you end up shagging.

It's alright to leave the condom in your pocket until the moment you need it. It is also perfectly acceptable to leave the bluetooth earpiece in your pocket UNTIL the phone rings, you pretentious bastard. Just because it doesn't have a wire attaching it to phone doesn't mean you don't look like some ridiculous Star Trek borg-defect wandering around blockbuster.