Thank You Note

Dear Dave,
You're a c*ck sucker. I hate you. Best wishes for a speedy demise.
Sincerely,
SP
________________________________________________________

After numerous queries as to Dave's crime, the following elaboration has been offered.

I put in a request to have my clothes dryer repaired at the end of December.  Dave is the d*****bag who was supposed to fix my dryer on the 2nd January. And the 6th January. And the 11th January. Have I mentioned the 16th January yet? No, I must have overlooked it as I was, oh so, excited to hear that he'd fix it by the 20th January. This is the same Dave the d*****bag who rumour had it would definitely fix my dryer on the 21st. 

The Management office had a good feeling about the 23rd, apparently on that day Dave's chakras were supposed to align so he'd be able to DO HIS JOB. On the 27th, they promised he'd be here on Monday the 30th. 

On Tuesday, I had to use my angry voice from work and my colleague very nearly had to take the phone away from me. Today, which I might add is now February, I called FOUR times from work. By some miracle that shall never be repeated in my lifetime, DAVE managed to SQUEEZE my dryer into his busy schedule. 

He left me a note, saying he'd fixed it. I thought I should send him a thank you card. I hate you Dave. I hope you fall into a ditch. Failing that I hope a bird pecks your eye out.

Brain Damage

I have brain damage. I think I caught it at work. I’ve been working a lot of extra hours this week. I have 397 emails in my inbox at the moment…68 are urgent and require my immediate attention…how do you give immediate attention to 68 different things?…my brain is reaching capacity. 

We use 10% of our brains or something like that (although, I’m pretty sure highly evolved being that I am, I’m pushing the 11.3% boundary), whatever my allotment of brain space may be I’m using 99.7% of it for work to keep all my current information straight and hopefully avoid any major screw ups on my part. Major screw ups on the behalf of others is far preferable reputation-wise despite any cursing and extra work it may cause me indirectly…I digress.  

So with only 0.3% of usable space in my brain left over for mundane day to day items such as cooking, knowing where I left my phone and inconvenient little bits like speaking, I am developing a severe case of brain damage. It is most commonly manifested in my inability to communicate anything not work related.

Well spoken and articulate with all and sundry in the corporate community, I come home and fail to grasp simple words like “laptop” and "fan" leaving my vocal chords to stammer incomprehensibly to people around me about moving the “foldy-machine-thingy” (read: laptop) and turning off the "whirly-bit" (read: ceiling fan).

These aren't isolated incidents. It’s happening all the time. My brother isn’t sure how he knows what I’m talking about some days, I think he just follows my line of vision and assumes what I’m referring to. Anyone who’s known me for years will tell you I can’t write anything, ever, without leaving words out even if I proof read. Most of my friends I’m sure don’t even notice it anymore they just mentally substitute whatever they think I meant without batting an eyelash. But now I’m leaving out entire sentence fragments! And God help me if I’m typing a letter/email at work and someone is talking to me.  

Yesterday I was writing an email to an account trying to explain why a reconciliation was still pending [read: late] and someone started speaking to me about a cup of tea I'd left nearby…subsequent email was very nearly sent with a line that read: “difficulty reconciling the RA deductions as we are currently drinking.” Classy.

Do Over!

The year thus far has been filled with aggravation and sleep deprivation. I've barely slept the last two nights due to a combination of delayed flights and unwanted drama. Therefore, I am taking the following actions to ensure I don't write off 2006 immediately.

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life...its also 1st January as far as I'm concerned. I'm voiding the last three days. Hence tomorrow, to the rest of the world, will be 5th January but for me it will be 1st of January. Tonight, I am going to leave work on time, and go straight to bed to catch up on sleep. When I wake up...it will be a new year.

I'm sure this transition will accomplish the mental state I require to move forward in life and ask you all to bear in mind when we make plans that I'm now on a different calender (just like the Chinese). 28th February to you, will be 24th February to me. I apologize for the inconvenience of you're having to manage dual calenders but appreciate your dedication to our friendship.

In fact to add some spice, and in keeping with the Chinese, I may change my year also. 2005, for example, will be referred to as "Year of the University Degree"; 2004, "Year of the Hospital"....2006 of course will be "Year of the Do-Over". Happy New Year!

Dirty Little Secret

I don't know why this should be true, yet it is, undeniably, embarrassingly and horrifically even, the truth.

I have decorated my Christmas tree. Standing at 6'5", it is a lean mean green....thingie. It was not, in all fairness, the prettiest tree there but it called to me. Most people would take such a sad little tree home and give it much care and attention and it would thrive, flowering into a beautiful specimen of holiday festiveness.

Alas, this tree was not snatched up by one of those Martha Stewart home maker type of folk. I've spent most of my life involved in some medium of art or another. I have a degree in art, a portfolio of art, and a website of art. I understand colour theory, symmetry, balance and the importance of placement. I have references. Yet with all of this experience and training at my disposal, it remains the fact that at twenty-seven years of age I am still unable to decorate a Christmas tree and should, in all honesty, only be involved with adult supervision.

I couldn't tell you exactly where the problem with my tree lies. My mother could. My father could. My younger brother probably could. In fact a bus full of blind senior citizens, with the aid of their specially trained dogs, would probably have a better chance of understanding what is wrong with my tree. I only know this. My tree is the sort of tree that would go out to bars and other big fir trees would try to pick it up. When she politely refused, they'd call her a tease. She's the sort of tree who goes out wearing hooker red lipstick that makes all the other trees whisper behind her branches. Needless to say, my tree looks better in the dark....

But she's my tree so hopefully she'll forgive me for the way she's dressed.

Cone of Uncertainty

As the latest hurricane, so called Wilma, bears down on the Gulf I am keeping my eyes on the weather, hopefully wondering if I've timed my arrival in Florida well enough to miss the last of these silly storms.

Of course I can't really tell because the weather man says the Florida Gulf Coast is in a "cone of uncertainty." Yeah, not what you'd call encouraging.

Perhaps it will land here. Perhaps it will not land here. I am fairly certain about the fact that if I flipped a coin I'd have roughly the same odds as the educated weatherman is overpaid to give me.

So maybe I'll still be here come Monday or possibly I'll be clinging to a palm tree, I can't tell you yet...because I'm in a cone of uncertainty.

Just Don't Do It.

For the love of Pete, don't put a spoiler on a VW beetle, a pick up truck or one of the those new fangled trying-to-be-trendy mini vans.... because you look ridiculous! If you want a sporty looking car....BUY a sporty looking car....you crazy spoiler people are about to join the ranks of PT Cruiser owners and honestly now, you just don't wanna keep company like that!

And another thing....

don't ride around with so much crap in the back window of your car that you can't see me waving my arms and making angry faces at you. Also, it's not safe for things like, oh I don't know, reversing?

Besides the beanie baby phenomenon is finally over, leave your stuffed animals at home. If you need that much companionship in order to venture out you should probably just stay in.

1,591 Miles of Route 95

We’ll I’m finally here, in my new home state of Florida…such as it is. My place won’t be ready to move into for a couple more days so I'm in hotels for a while longer. To bring you up to speed, here are the highlights of my mainly uneventful trip.

Crickets- I was in North Carolina getting petrol. Essentially standing in the middle of field. Well, to me a field, to locals a hot bed of activity with a café and petrol station all in one (you say tomato…I say field). But I digress, you know how at night in the summer in the Northeast you can hear lots of crickets? Yeah, well this was the middle of the day and there were so many crickets chirping it was amazing. The air was thick with it, like one long drawn out unending buzz. If crickets there ever turn against us, it’s all over. We’ll have to abandon NC and cordon it off!

Fireworks & Porn- I’ve often wondered what exactly people do with their spare time in rural areas. Now I know. There are firework Mega-Shops every x number of miles all throughout the south, also a sprinkling of adult themed Mega-Shops’s (including Café Risque…”Coffee? And how would Sir like his porn served?”) Now I know what they do, I wonder how busy the ER’s are.

Roadkill- to be expected but it seems cruel that there was roadkill outside a Nature Wildlife Reserve. He nearly made it.  So close and yet so far...

Looking for a place to stay- There’s a place called "Plantation Inn". Do I have to pick cotton to pay my bill, clean my own room as well as the owners, cook my own food and eat it in the kitchen? I'm just asking.

Speeding- I realize if I speed I’m technically breaking the law. I also realize it’s calculated risk. But I think if I am going to speed (responsibly), I ought to have a 50/50 chance of getting away with it. I’m okay with unmarked cruisers…crown vics, intrepids and the like, fine. But unmarked pick up trucks and mustangs?! COME ON! It’s not Vegas, the house doesn’t always win.  Sometimes, I wanna win! Also, Jacks’s cop card…not as influential as I had hoped… apparently, it being in my possession doesn’t constitute a “legitimate document” allowing me to speed in the state of New York. [*Sigh*]

Female Bits on a Sign Post- So I’m driving (not even speeding) and I pass a sign for Choosawatchie. I have no idea why at the time it was so funny but something struck me and I was laughing hysterically.  At no point in my life have I ever heard female genitalia referred to as “watchie” but something in my head made me think it was a fitting slang term and so Choosawatchie was immediately laugh out loud funny. Honestly if the town had been called Kissawatchie I think I would have accidentally driven off the road in a fit of laughter. You probably had to be there but it still makes me giggle. (Side note from different road trip: It’s about as funny as the place in New Jersey, Kim and I discovered earlier this year called “Dyke Lumber” and I immediately created a helpful tag line: “Dyke Lumber: Helping beavers build better homes.” No one from their corporate office has returned my calls about this marketing opportunity as yet.)

Jax~In~Da~Hood- Leaving my new office/warehouse this morning and navigating to my hotel I missed a turn and was thus able to take a tour through the ‘hood. Not on the scheduled time table but who can resist? There are a plethora of billboards advertising bail bonds.  Good stuff. But this is what got my attention. A massive bill board flogging “Kyle’s Kwik Bail Bonding, Inc” with what I can only assume is an over sized image of a smiling Kyle himself and the tag line “There’s no reason to worry, Kyle’ll have you out in hurry!” Torn between laughter and nervousness, I noticed the crown jewel in the corner of the bill board… “NEW LOCATION!!!” Business must be booming. I proceeded to exit the area will all possible haste…but I’m still kinda laughing about it.

Insect Massacre- I am happy to report that during this most recent road trip I appear to have killed an unprecedented number of bugs…fewer to bite me on the ass later. Excellent!