I have been rendered immobile.

No time to chat. Right now, I face a more serious crisis... Christmas cards.

The trouble is not the cost of postage or even the fact that if I have to write one more long UK address my hand may simply fall off. Nor is it the fact that every year at some point I think it'd have been worth getting some return address labels but I never do because I think I'll never need them, then four weeks before Christmas having written my own address 83 times I wonder why I don't have them.

No, problem is the dangerous nature of the cards. All the 'good' cards (and by 'good' I mean ones I find aesthetically pleasing or amusing in some way) seem to have glitter on them some where. I actually bought some this year thinking they didn't and upon opening them discovered they did in fact have glitter. It was hidden apparently. Glitter gets EVERYWHERE. It's like sand to Nth power. I've washed my hands three times and I still have glitter on me. I vacuumed around the card-writing area and still I see sparkles when I walk by. Perhaps most disturbing though is the fact that glitter can turn your own hands into deadly weapons. Having rubbed my face, I somehow got glitter in my eye. This caused me to writhe in agony and smash my knee against the table leg. Okay, so not deadly per se but on par with assaulting yourself.

All I'm saying is if you've got glitter on your Christmas cards- be careful! Wear gloves...or a haz-mat suit (you know, if you've got one lying around). If you get a glitter card from me, it's not that I'm trying to hurt you, it's just that they're too dangerous to have lying around my house since I live alone at the moment and don't have one of those medical emergency cally-button things.