Sit back, relax and TRY to enjoy the flight.

I've been on a quite a few flights this week (8 in the last 4 days) and I find myself becoming increasingly annoyed. Perhaps it's because more than half my flights have been at 6 a.m. prompting me to wake up at 3-4 a.m. and thus making me (un)naturally irritable. Truthfully, it feels like people are just being obtuse though.

On a particularly bad flight from Charlotte to Atlanta last Friday, we were delayed due to torrential rain and tornado warnings in Atlanta. We sat on the tarmac for an hour as they umm-ed and ahh-ed about whether or not to let us leave. Finally, the pilot announced we were in fact leaving. He then added that due to high winds, we were expected to have a very bumpy flight; due to the increased turbulence he advised that the cabin crew would be seated for the duration of the flight. We would not therefore be receiving our usual rations of drinks and nibbleys. Further to this, the fasten seat belt sign would remain on throughout the flight so we should not get up to use the bathroom or roam the aisle; we should stay seated with our seat belts fastened the entire time. Having set forth the new rules, we were finally advised to "sit back, relax and enjoy the flight." Not a chance, mate.

Something I've noticed lately is that some cabin crew are no longer demonstrating life jackets or oxygen masks. They still take the time to walk us through how an ordinary seat belt works but for more complicated tasks, we are now simply referred to the safety card in the seat back pocket. I'm sure if anyone needs a lesson or refresher, it won't be on the emergency bits which are rarely if ever used; I'm sure everyone will be able to figure out the part they've never done before. Hang on, show us the basic bit about the seat belt we've all used before again, will you? Well done to whomever worked out those priorities.
 
"Hey! I'm outta my seat belt!" 
"Fantastic! Do you happen to know, by any chance, how to work this vest thingy?" 
DEAD! Because he didn't put on the oxygen thingy first. But at least his seat belt is unfastened!

On this morning's 6 a.m. flight, I was irritated by how long it seemed to take us to get going. The cabin crew made more announcements than I've ever been subject to and I've spent a lot of time in airports. I think we were welcomed on board at least three times. Then the Captain came over the intercom to sing a song about not leaving until everyone's seat belt was fastened. I. Kid. You. Not.

He sang.  A song. Accompanied by the harmonica. I'm not sure if that's allowed by FAA regulations but if it is, it ought not to be. Apparently, we're a pack of pre-schoolers. I wondered if we'd be forced to sing nursery rhymes as a group before the in-flight service began. The only selection would be milk and cookies and we'd be instructed to take a compulsory nap before landing. 

Once the song finished, I was hoping we wouldn't need to hear from Captain Kangeroo again. Alas it was not to be as he came back after take off to do an impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger, during which he let us know he was turning off the seat belt sign so "everyvun cahn sztretch zheir big mus-sales, yah!" 

During early flights like this they usually have the cabin lights off. Ostensibly because it's dark out and this qualifies as a night flight. No chance of shut eye here though 'cos Captain Kangeroo thinks he's caught the last gig at the Comedy Connection. Five minutes after the Ah-nold announcement, he's on again to welcome us and thank us for choosing his airline (hand up if you're rapidly regretting that choice). Finally, he tells us that if there is anything they can do to make our flight more enjoyable not to hesitate to ask. I now have an overwhelming compulsion to push my call button and politely ask the stewardess when she arrives if she could possibly ask the Captain to shut up. Following that I would have had to ask if. in between the singing and games up in the cockpit, anyone had time to check how close we were to our destination. Apparently, no one told the pilot that we're well trained from a young age to bring our own entertainment on any road trip.

Just when I think it's safe to shut my eyes, one of the cabin crew begins a lengthy announcement about why we all ought to consider a Visa card for this airline and the wonderful benefits it now offers. I find it tortuous to have to sit through being sold something I don't want while I'm a captive audience. It's cruel and unusual punishment as far as I'm concerned. Let me just say this though, when you book your ticket now, no one mentions the added costs you'll be incurring. Bad enough that everyone quotes flights without the taxes and suddenly you're paying a lot more than you thought a la Ticket Master but these new hidden costs were formerly part of what you were paying for. These are just some that I've experienced this past year on various airlines. Not all airlines are charging these prices but some have opted to.

Pillow and/or Blanket - $7.00
In Flight Film - $5.00
Head Phones - $1.00
ANY Beverage (including coffee, tea, water!, soda, juice) - $1.00
Meal/Snack - $5.00-7.00
Seal Selection in Advance - $4.00 - $6.00 (note: not an upgrade, just a confirmation of a particular seat).

So apparently, you'll need that shiny new Visa just to make it through the flight if you were mistakenly thinking that these things are all still free. If you're application is approved, rest assured you'll be able to enjoy the remainder of your flight without fear of freezing, sleep-deprivation, dehydration, starvation or boredom. Guess that's why some airlines are now giving us free group songs! What's next? A seat belt surcharge?

"We'll be coming through the cabin shortly with Visa applications..."
"I don't want a Visa application, you toss-pot! I WANT PEANUTS!"