Sit back, relax and TRY to enjoy the flight.

I've been on a quite a few flights this week (8 in the last 4 days) and I find myself becoming increasingly annoyed. Perhaps it's because more than half my flights have been at 6 a.m. prompting me to wake up at 3-4 a.m. and thus making me (un)naturally irritable. Truthfully, it feels like people are just being obtuse though.

On a particularly bad flight from Charlotte to Atlanta last Friday, we were delayed due to torrential rain and tornado warnings in Atlanta. We sat on the tarmac for an hour as they umm-ed and ahh-ed about whether or not to let us leave. Finally, the pilot announced we were in fact leaving. He then added that due to high winds, we were expected to have a very bumpy flight; due to the increased turbulence he advised that the cabin crew would be seated for the duration of the flight. We would not therefore be receiving our usual rations of drinks and nibbleys. Further to this, the fasten seat belt sign would remain on throughout the flight so we should not get up to use the bathroom or roam the aisle; we should stay seated with our seat belts fastened the entire time. Having set forth the new rules, we were finally advised to "sit back, relax and enjoy the flight." Not a chance, mate.

Something I've noticed lately is that some cabin crew are no longer demonstrating life jackets or oxygen masks. They still take the time to walk us through how an ordinary seat belt works but for more complicated tasks, we are now simply referred to the safety card in the seat back pocket. I'm sure if anyone needs a lesson or refresher, it won't be on the emergency bits which are rarely if ever used; I'm sure everyone will be able to figure out the part they've never done before. Hang on, show us the basic bit about the seat belt we've all used before again, will you? Well done to whomever worked out those priorities.
 
"Hey! I'm outta my seat belt!" 
"Fantastic! Do you happen to know, by any chance, how to work this vest thingy?" 
DEAD! Because he didn't put on the oxygen thingy first. But at least his seat belt is unfastened!

On this morning's 6 a.m. flight, I was irritated by how long it seemed to take us to get going. The cabin crew made more announcements than I've ever been subject to and I've spent a lot of time in airports. I think we were welcomed on board at least three times. Then the Captain came over the intercom to sing a song about not leaving until everyone's seat belt was fastened. I. Kid. You. Not.

He sang.  A song. Accompanied by the harmonica. I'm not sure if that's allowed by FAA regulations but if it is, it ought not to be. Apparently, we're a pack of pre-schoolers. I wondered if we'd be forced to sing nursery rhymes as a group before the in-flight service began. The only selection would be milk and cookies and we'd be instructed to take a compulsory nap before landing. 

Once the song finished, I was hoping we wouldn't need to hear from Captain Kangeroo again. Alas it was not to be as he came back after take off to do an impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger, during which he let us know he was turning off the seat belt sign so "everyvun cahn sztretch zheir big mus-sales, yah!" 

During early flights like this they usually have the cabin lights off. Ostensibly because it's dark out and this qualifies as a night flight. No chance of shut eye here though 'cos Captain Kangeroo thinks he's caught the last gig at the Comedy Connection. Five minutes after the Ah-nold announcement, he's on again to welcome us and thank us for choosing his airline (hand up if you're rapidly regretting that choice). Finally, he tells us that if there is anything they can do to make our flight more enjoyable not to hesitate to ask. I now have an overwhelming compulsion to push my call button and politely ask the stewardess when she arrives if she could possibly ask the Captain to shut up. Following that I would have had to ask if. in between the singing and games up in the cockpit, anyone had time to check how close we were to our destination. Apparently, no one told the pilot that we're well trained from a young age to bring our own entertainment on any road trip.

Just when I think it's safe to shut my eyes, one of the cabin crew begins a lengthy announcement about why we all ought to consider a Visa card for this airline and the wonderful benefits it now offers. I find it tortuous to have to sit through being sold something I don't want while I'm a captive audience. It's cruel and unusual punishment as far as I'm concerned. Let me just say this though, when you book your ticket now, no one mentions the added costs you'll be incurring. Bad enough that everyone quotes flights without the taxes and suddenly you're paying a lot more than you thought a la Ticket Master but these new hidden costs were formerly part of what you were paying for. These are just some that I've experienced this past year on various airlines. Not all airlines are charging these prices but some have opted to.

Pillow and/or Blanket - $7.00
In Flight Film - $5.00
Head Phones - $1.00
ANY Beverage (including coffee, tea, water!, soda, juice) - $1.00
Meal/Snack - $5.00-7.00
Seal Selection in Advance - $4.00 - $6.00 (note: not an upgrade, just a confirmation of a particular seat).

So apparently, you'll need that shiny new Visa just to make it through the flight if you were mistakenly thinking that these things are all still free. If you're application is approved, rest assured you'll be able to enjoy the remainder of your flight without fear of freezing, sleep-deprivation, dehydration, starvation or boredom. Guess that's why some airlines are now giving us free group songs! What's next? A seat belt surcharge?

"We'll be coming through the cabin shortly with Visa applications..."
"I don't want a Visa application, you toss-pot! I WANT PEANUTS!"

I have been rendered immobile.

No time to chat. Right now, I face a more serious crisis... Christmas cards.

The trouble is not the cost of postage or even the fact that if I have to write one more long UK address my hand may simply fall off. Nor is it the fact that every year at some point I think it'd have been worth getting some return address labels but I never do because I think I'll never need them, then four weeks before Christmas having written my own address 83 times I wonder why I don't have them.

No, problem is the dangerous nature of the cards. All the 'good' cards (and by 'good' I mean ones I find aesthetically pleasing or amusing in some way) seem to have glitter on them some where. I actually bought some this year thinking they didn't and upon opening them discovered they did in fact have glitter. It was hidden apparently. Glitter gets EVERYWHERE. It's like sand to Nth power. I've washed my hands three times and I still have glitter on me. I vacuumed around the card-writing area and still I see sparkles when I walk by. Perhaps most disturbing though is the fact that glitter can turn your own hands into deadly weapons. Having rubbed my face, I somehow got glitter in my eye. This caused me to writhe in agony and smash my knee against the table leg. Okay, so not deadly per se but on par with assaulting yourself.

All I'm saying is if you've got glitter on your Christmas cards- be careful! Wear gloves...or a haz-mat suit (you know, if you've got one lying around). If you get a glitter card from me, it's not that I'm trying to hurt you, it's just that they're too dangerous to have lying around my house since I live alone at the moment and don't have one of those medical emergency cally-button things.

From Teeny Bopper to Hardened Criminal

In my general observations about society I've discovered that there are three basic principles which all children must learn. It hit me today whilst I was grocery shopping, checking out to be specific. There was a tiny girl bagging all my bits and she was, by teenage grocery-bagger standards, inordinately polite. "How are you today, ma'am?", "would plastic be alright ma'am?", "would you like to hold on to your gum, ma'am?" [My immense discomfort with being referred to as 'ma'am' every five seconds is a whole other blog that will probably start with the words "You can't call me ma'am, I'm wearing a Sex Pistols belt and have tattoos damn it! I am not your respectable old Auntie!" Note: If T&J are reading this I'm totally capable of being a respectable Auntie when I have your munchkins in tow.]

Anyway, I'm standing there thinking how proud her parents must be at the having raised such a happy, polite, if somewhat overly smiley, child in this day and age. Then I get to my car and start putting things in the back. As I unload my swag from shopping cart to car, I suddenly find myself wondering why the head of lettuce is on top of the bread, why someone would try to fit three obviously over sized boxes into the same obviously ill-equipped-to-handle-those-sort-of-dimensions plastic bag and what sort of idiot imagines that a sheer plastic bag can be moved between any two locations further than six inches a part when it has a gallon of milk, bottle of wine and medium size jug of laundry detergent in it?

I began, at this juncture, to question the judgment of the parents of overly-polite-smiley-bagging-girl. Surely, anyone, who was raised properly and has parents who themselves have common sense must be able to put different size objects into bags in an orderly fashion? Am I expecting too much from today's youth? I mean its not a dastardly complex mental test is it?   We're not talking Mensa exam.  The teeny bopper IQ should not be directly proportional to my chances of making it to my front door with my groceries intact should it?

This led me to the conclusion that there are in fact three distinct skills which every child should have before they are allowed out of the house unsupervised.

First, they must be able to tie their own shoe laces. This is a fairly simple one and exists mostly because I can't bear the thought of children falling over every few feet. Also, because this saves me having to stop what I'm doing all the time to pick one up.

Second, they must be able to cross the road without getting killed. And I don't mean the run for it and hope for the best type of road crossing some kids engage in, nor do I mean the alternate format which involves brazenly stepping into the road, bringing traffic to a complete stop and then casually strolling across the road at a snail's pace at an angle which will ensure it takes as long as possible to reach the other side. This last version makes me want to commit cold blooded murder in my car. No, what I'm referring to is proper training given to STOP, LOOK and LISTEN prior to putting even a toe into oncoming traffic. Lack of proper training in conjunction with all traffic being required to stop for school buses is making children think they have the right of way against a ton of metal headed in their direction. Calm down! I'm not suggesting seven year olds be forced into playing Frogger: The Home Game after school but when we're stopping for teenagers who will be driving themselves in the next couple of years, well, I think it gets silly. If you can't cross the road properly, you're a liability to our species and unlikely to be either helpful (or even involved) in our future evolution.

Finally, all kiddies must know how to put things into a grocery bag in an orderly fashion. All parents should offer hands on training at home if necessary. This will prepare their children for a variety of difficulties that life has to throw at them, not the least of which will be a part time job bagging groceries so they can save for a car and finally discover first hand how maddening it is when people amble across the road at a five degree angle.

So consider this a warning. All children should have the upbringing which allows them to capably put things of different shapes, sizes, weights and compositions into bags without compromising the the things or the bags themselves. If they don't have the mental capacity to handle this, they will never be successful in a world which requires them to exercise common sense and throws all manner of hurdles at them... like knowing how much furniture will fit into their living room, or parking which requires you to judge space and what will fit where.

Without these necessary skills, they will be unemployable, likely to fail their exams, people will make fun of them for repeatedly trying to put their books, calculator, gym shoes and a small classmate into their edgy-emo messenger bag. Eventually, they will feel like an outcast and turn to a life of petty crime to subsidize their new drug habit since they can't get a job.

It's shame you know, about overly-polite-smiley-bagging girl, she had so much potential but now, sigh, one of us will probably be picking her out of a police line up before she turns 18.

Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc

I-Tunes: Disc burner or software missing...
Me: It's there, the same place its been the last 1,200 times you've burned something. There! In that folder between the programme files and drivers!


Before annoying I-Tunes error:



After annoying I-Tunes error:



Final stages of 'trouble shooting' completed:




I am now well hacked off and I'm going to bed. If ANYONE has heard of a way to fix the I-Tunes error that causes the message "Disc burner or software not found" on I-Tunes as well as the insanely annoying inability to suddenly burn ANYTHING, please let me know. Even Apple's tech support forum doesn't seem to have the answer.

If not, I'd appreciate someone lending me a blow torch so I can get some enjoyment out of my laptop...

With Regards to the Neighbours

You're a stay at home Mum. That's great, an admirable profession. What you're not is in the military. So, explain if you would please, why you feel it's necessary to drive a Hummer? A huge, honkin' H3 Hummer? 

The reason I ask is that while you may not have noticed, what with your busy schedule and chasing kiddies around the house and such, it's become quite evident to me that you're actually not invading a small country. You're just dropping your daughter off at figure skating practice and buying groceries. Would that assessment be accurate? That's a 'no' on invasion, then?